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Need Advice - 92 year old farmer with dementia....help!

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  • #16
    Best wishes Mary 5 and Dennis. It's too bad but the tough days make us appreciate the good days when we get them.
    “Democracy is the worst form of government, -------------------------------except for all the others.”

    ― Winston S. Churchill

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    • #17
      Originally posted by Mary5 View Post
      We are trying so hard to help our father and keep the farm going. My Dad is going to be 92 and is so difficult to work around. You have to respect that he will not give up. He cannot see or hear very well and pushes us like slaves, but EVERYTHING has to be done NOW and exactly his way with our labor, fuel, etc.

      He is very angry and when we get to the point where there is a family showdown he says that my deceased Mother told him to do it.......

      I have had no success with the family doctor with dealing with early dementia....which he has all the signs of. He is not safe to be around with equipment and still insists on driving. I live in fear of him causing a fatal accident.

      Any good advice for a 50 something woman, who is trying her best, but her father is tearing her marriage and nuclear family apart. Ideas?
      Why don't you try asking for a week off and see what he says?

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      • #18
        quick for me update...since the last post here...a couple more "situations", the neighbor was placed where he could be observed
        and evaluated, the reports were disappointing, family looking into an institution situation for his needs, fast decline, didn't recognize his wife and we think he did his son Sunday this week. The wife just called, moving him to hospital, his kidneys have
        shut down,
        I had commented this morning to one of his class mates that while NOT pretending to be God, possibly NOT being
        politically correct, but with the decline in quality of life, I was hoping and PRAYING that the other body functions and organs
        shut down as fast as his mental decline. I didn't expect this fast of an answer...never enough time, but yet the time has come.

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        • #19
          http://barracudabrigade.blogspot.com/2014/01/palinista-on-serving-do-i-know-you.html




          Palinista on Serving ~> Do I Know You? The Voice of Alzheimer's




          Email This

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          Ed. Note: Lynda Armstrong is a well-known Palinista and is the author of: The Face of Alzheimer's as seen from the Heart of a Caregiver.

          Today I will neither write about former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, nor will I write about a president who does not seem to understand that America stands for honor. I will go off topic and write in honor of that person who fights a disease called Alzheimer's.

          Gov. Palin's forebear - President Ronald Reagan - designated November as National Alzheimer’s Disease Awareness Month in 1983. At the time, fewer than 2 million Americans had Alzheimer’s; today, the number of people with the disease has soared to nearly 5.4 million. President Reagan ultimately died of Alzheimer's.

          I understand that it's not November, but I feel it should be awareness month every month. We need to reach out to people who who slowly forget who they are, and the ones who are there known as caregivers.

          I dedicate this to the hero within the person with Alzheimer's and that very special person called a caregiver. In Good Tidings, Gov. Palin called upon us to serve.

          The Word, "Alzheimer's" has so much heartbreak and loss attached that when the doctor tells you your loved one has it, you feel as if your heart has stopped for a moment. But, you also know that your lives are about to change in ways you didn't know or understand and nothing will be the same from that day forward. They call it, "the long goodbye" and for Pat and I, it was 10 years of saying, "goodbye."

          August 16, 2004 at 11:32...we said the final goodbye as she took that last breath; her daughter with a tear falling softly down her face, a son saying, "bye mom." As we stood there, we knew in our hearts that for us there would never be a final goodbye; but we knew with that last breath she saw the face of God, her mind was no longer lost in the darkness of the abyss of, "do I know you?" She was whole again.

          "Do I know you" Do I have children?" So many questions asked, so many memories lost; as you take care of this person, you start to wonder if these memories are locked up somewhere deep when in the heart.

          Could You Remember?

          As I stood at your bedside holding your hand, my mind drifted back in time...of the days we had laughed and cried together.

          I Wondered...

          Could you remember or were the memories just lost somewhere in the depth of your being? Were they just gone?

          Could You Remember all the days gone by?

          Could you remember how much we all loved you? Somewhere within the darkness of your mind, did you know? Could you remember our names? What special place each of us had in your heart? Did you know you brought sunshine into our lives, when all around us the storms were raging and we had lost our way?

          Could You Remember all the days gone by?

          The joy you felt when you saw your first grandchild? The grief you felt when granddaddy died, or the love you felt when a son sang a Mother's Day song for you? Were these memories still a part of who you were or no longer there, lost in time?

          Could You Remember all the days gone by?

          ***She taught music for almost 30 years....now she is teaching the Angels how to sing...



          Tomorrow I will write about Gov. Palin again. I will make comments about an America that seems to have lost it way, but today I will remember, and once more say, "goodbye."

          Posted by Lynda Armstrong

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          • #20
            I have my family for a sounding board, but owe an update on our neighbor...kidney functions returned, but mental has continued
            downward, family moved him home to farmstead house with hospice and family care 24/7. You have to use the imagination to
            believe he is comprehending anything...half open eyes, once in a while a smile for a moment...when I spoke to him yesterday
            afternoon, his eyes opened wide, looked directly at me and smiled, then faded back all in a very few seconds. No physical responses for the rest of the visit.

            Yes, we took the family a casserole for their
            Sunday dinner and it will be enjoyed by the rest
            of the family on their shifts of caregiving.

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            • #21
              The end of the journey came early this morning...will make arrangements this afternoon...like another one of
              our neighbors who went through this with his dad has said in the past, there are worse things than death, this
              disease being
              one of them.

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              • #22
                Dennis,,We will all get old or suffer the alternative. We only get to make a limited number of friends during our lives.
                About all we have is smaller families, and old neighbors. I try to visit the old timers occasionally while they are still fairly healthy and able to remember the good old days.

                Dennis, you will remember the good times with your neighbor. Yes, you will attend a funeral or services at a funeral home.
                The family of the deceased will miss your friend but they will be honored if you remember him and what he did while still whole

                kh

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                • #23
                  Thank you King for your kind words.
                  We visited the family late yesterday afternoon..while they were working on the obituary and trying to find a picture
                  that all agreed was the one.
                  I baby sat this couple's kids rather than drive all the way to have a date with Marilyn..before we were married.
                  The kids were asking questions, we were giving answers and before long, we were NOT progressing on the obituary,
                  but laughing at all the different things we had done...he had instigated of course many of the reasons for our laughter
                  last night, making your words stand on their own.

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                  • #24
                    Dennis, I find going to a wake or funeral service one of the most difficult things I do. I dread the thought of meeting the family member that I don't know and who don't know me. But it is usually easy to talk about the deceased--Their farm, their hobbies The way they enjoyed life. the memories are usually good.

                    As sad as a wake is to attend, it marks a finality to the deceased's suffering. We, the survivors, can smile and remember all the good times. We will gradually forget the last weeks or months and just remember the good times

                    A Wake, is a final visit where we awaken the good memories.

                    Dennis, I've never had the honor of making your aquaintence but you sound like a person anyone would be honored to have as a neighbor and/or a friend

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                    • #25
                      Thankfully, we did not get involved with the family farming op. My husband's dad passed after financing his older brother's operation for 5 decades...
                      But I do have experience in handling elderly family members with dementia. They need to be tested for simple mental evaluation first, then handled from there. There should have been an agreement drawn up long before this occured. He could literally sink
                      your whole family financially because of his hard driving, selfish ways.
                      If you married into it, and your husband won't make a stand.... protect YOUR own rights. If it cannot be discussed civilly, get a mediator.
                      In parting, I think I should let you know that my husband was critically injured by an old man on the highway who hit him head on going 70 MPH.... that was five years, and $255K ago. It was the man's fault, he died with minimal insurance and WE ended up picking up the slack with our insurance and the above mentioned money out of my 401K.......If he had owned anything worth a dime, we would have taken it. Needless to say... we are angry still. Good luck to you.

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                      • #26
                        Calamityj, sorry about what happened to you. Everyone is so scared to get elderly off the road.

                        I will give you an update on my father. He had a serious heart attack after Christmas, which he hid from all of us. I just thought he had a cold, then I thought he was getting pneumonia. End result, only has 1/3 left of his heart, spent week in hospital, 2 months in rehab, now in skilled nursing care. Dementia is deepening. Still tells staff that he has to go home because he has 2 farms to run and that nobody at home knows what to do.

                        When we tell him he cannot go home he flies into a rage and demands to go because it is his right.

                        Carumba! When does this get easier?

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                        • #27
                          Sorry for all of you. I don't know that it will get easier. Can just offer you our prayers and hope all of you have the strength to endure.

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