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Need Advice - 92 year old farmer with dementia....help!

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  • Need Advice - 92 year old farmer with dementia....help!

    We are trying so hard to help our father and keep the farm going. My Dad is going to be 92 and is so difficult to work around. You have to respect that he will not give up. He cannot see or hear very well and pushes us like slaves, but EVERYTHING has to be done NOW and exactly his way with our labor, fuel, etc.

    He is very angry and when we get to the point where there is a family showdown he says that my deceased Mother told him to do it.......

    I have had no success with the family doctor with dealing with early dementia....which he has all the signs of. He is not safe to be around with equipment and still insists on driving. I live in fear of him causing a fatal accident.

    Any good advice for a 50 something woman, who is trying her best, but her father is tearing her marriage and nuclear family apart. Ideas?

  • #2
    If the answers were easy, I am sure you would already be implementing them.

    thoughts for your consideration-

    At a minimum you should consider sharing your concerns and observations with HIS doctor and HIS atty to inform them and gather any thoughts that they might offer. (Might also want to give another look at the drugs and meds he is taking. They can have a big impact on the mental state of those who take them).


    Better yet- Make a list of people he trusts- (trusted family friend?, trusted area farmer?, trusted relatives?, his doctor?, his accountant/tax practitioner? atty?, family banker? pastor??????) Meet with those people to discuss your concerns and hopefully build consensus. Then a GROUP that he relies on and/or trusts could meet with your father or at least communicates similar thoughts/ concerns in their contact with your father.

    For many male business owners who see themselves as providers, our ownership and operation of OUR business is who we are. It is tough for many to relinquish control after spending so many years making our own decisions and doing it our way. Signs of dementia with the physical limitations due to age just add to the problems.

    If your father has some hopes away from the farm itself that are yet unfulfilled (travel, spending more time with others, more appropriate housing for his age, a daily companion, etc-) you might want to consider helping him to achieve this as part of a transition out of his day to day operation of the farm.

    It took very many years for it to be apparent that though I may not have been cast in the exact mold that my father may have hoped for, that many of the decisions that I made differently than he would have ended up working out great.

    Best wishes.
    Last edited by jabber1; 05-24-2013, 07:15 AM.
    “Democracy is the worst form of government, -------------------------------except for all the others.”

    ― Winston S. Churchill

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    • #3
      I am sorry I cannot offer any better solution than Jabbers other than to add you to my prayers.

      Comment


      • #4
        Put the thread back up there so others who have ideas can take a shot.
        “Democracy is the worst form of government, -------------------------------except for all the others.”

        ― Winston S. Churchill

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        • #5
          My father is 92 years old also. Luckly he has been retired for a number of years and my mother has been deceased for 12 years. He still wants to drive tractors and generally supervise the operations which he founded many years ago. He has been hospitalised for 2 knee replacements. [Family says he spent too much time kneeling in Church] praying for his heathen sons. He is definitely not as sharp as he used to be whether it is dementia or just old age is unknown Plus the family does not want to know MAYBE????

          But enough background. We [brothers] who farm near where my dad lives have gtadually been able to wheen him from tractor driving and trying to run things by getting him involved in church affairs public service help and he has increased his gardening canning foods for charity and poor people. He grows over a thousand glads {spikey flowers} which I can't spell. We have been able to channel his love of growing things and helping others by allowing him to do things more suited to his abilities. We also took his chain saws away which he then thought were stolen so he threatened to file a police report. After explaing the liability costs if he caused an accident or hurt himself and the rest of the family would hate the brothers because we caused my fathers injuries or worse.. After numerous long discussions he finally consented. He still has the saws but a family member needs to be around to supervise. We still try to let him visit the farm and make suggestions or reminice. By keeping him involved in useful activities and spending more time with him we have resolved a lot of the problems. I've been blessed with a close family that all work together to make my dad feel needed
          and a real part of our community

          Sometimes those golden years are very trying for the younger generations. You may have more trouble depending on the severity of your dads dementia. There are many good local support groups that help with the care of the elderly. Good luck Mary5

          Kinghere

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          • #6
            Very good ideas, both jabber and kh. My mother was 92 when she passed a couple of years ago. She was very active and bossy until the very end. She said she could not die until she got her boys raised and a grandson whose father , my brother, was not responsible to raise his own son, was raised and married. Soon after the wedding for my nephew , I think she just decided it was time to die. She was here one day, and gone the next.It leaves a big hole for a while , then relief because you do worry about them.what ever makes them happy , I guess, but there is medicine which helps dementia for a time. However at 92 , it rarely is effective. The biggest problem is them giving up authority and being the authoratative figure , then submitting to others that were once the ruled. does that make sense. At least that is what the gereatricians say. The power struggle.

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            • #7
              We have a neighbor who had a TBI that caused an ealry onset dimentia. Even though he was not part of our farm, he would come drive a grain truck or a tractor without anyone knowing. I went to swap an empty truck for a loaded truck in the field and it took about an hour to find that he had taken it to his house. We had to hide keys for all the equipment for about a year, but eventually he settled in and no longer did that.

              My own Grandpa hit buildings and parked cars with tractors (Thank God they were all in our driveway) before he finally realized it was time, but I don't think we talked him out of it. He had to come to it on his own. In fact, I think my brother and I, who were the only two who didn't really push on him, we just volunteered to do those things for him, were the only two who he ended up listening to in the end.

              I wish you the same good luck that we had that no one got hurt and the damage wasn't bad in the long run-I hope that doesn't sound to callous.

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              • #8
                I had one elderly landlord who had given up farming and rented it to me and was pleasant to deal with. Fortunately he recognized he could no longer do it and giving it up wasn't a problem. However he really dreaded having to give up driving. I guess as his renter, I had enough distance to offer an opinion without causing him to get mad (at least he didn't show it). He thought a lot of our daughters as they grew up and I just told him one day that as bad as he hated to give up driving, I knew that he sure wouldn't want to cause an accident and hurt someone like the girls. He agreed but didn't say much more. Only thing, when it came time to renew his license he announced that it was time for him to quit. I know that was really hard for him but I was proud of him for it. It's a fine line to walk, not wanting to put pressure on them but yet make them aware of the possible consequences of their actions. Good luck.

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                • #9
                  Couldn't help but notice
                  1) Mary never replied
                  2) There is a little orange icon (looks like a little orange icon of ECI chasin' birds) below Mary 5's name above that allows us to reply to the sender using something called AIM. I clicked this little icon and it suggested I didn't have the right software to use this option. What is AIM?
                  “Democracy is the worst form of government, -------------------------------except for all the others.”

                  ― Winston S. Churchill

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                  • #10
                    Send Message Via AIM to Mary5 (Mariposa)

                    Add Mary5 to your contact list

                    Send Mary5 a message

                    Please note that these functions require that you actually have the AOL Instant Messenger application installed on your computer.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------very intersting ----------------------also says to live on a distingunished road-----------hummmmmmm-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------could be -----------------------------------------------probably is--------------I think its time for the monkey to step in--------------------dave

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                    • #11
                      I didn't start this thread, have re-read it several times...strikes so close to home....last night,received a phone call from a neighbor
                      lady asking me to come by...Knew something was up...her husband, a man I have respected, watched, listened to, ask of,
                      taken advice from, partied had fun and worked with...he has been having issues for some time...some was actually instigated
                      by some medications, but now it is for real...he was asleep, she woke him to get him to take some medications, he was upset,
                      didn't want the medications, tasted bad, was totally p-oed. When I got there, he didn't recognize me, was finally able to get
                      him to talk about other things, had to do a lot of jumping around mentally/topics...he would lose "thought" and be stuck in neutral,
                      so start another topic...have had this in the past myself anyway, had him talked down from p oed to about normal, he
                      got ready for bed and I'm home...short night, but realize that there will have to be some changes made for him in the immediate
                      future.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        the bad thing is it will happen to some of us.

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                        • #13
                          Thank all of you for your kind thoughts and comments. It has been a while and I thought I owed you an update. It was a blessing in disguise one day when a highly irritated deputy sheriff came to find me at work to talk to me about my father's driving. Anyhow, law enforcement made it possible for us to get him off the roads before he killed someone. He would not listen to reason that if he hit someone, we would lose the farm.

                          We continue to struggle. Equipment is always an issue. He has an $80K windrower sitting in a shed that has 200 hours on it that nobody else is allowed to use. So I have had to purchase duplicate equipment. He goes on and on about how he helps everybody out!!!!

                          Anyhow, we are still hanging in there. I guess this is a great character lesson on how not to act when you get older.....be gracious and let the next generation do their part or not....just be fair and clear.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Dennis, somebody needs to help this woman get a durable medical and financial power of attorney right away. Make sure they have a will. She will need some support. If he fights her, get an attorney and get her conservatorship. You will see if this is dementia it can be switched on and off like a light switch, depending on who is around. Thank you for helping this lady out!He needs to be diagnosed by a doctor, but most doctors do not like to talk about it.
                            Originally posted by dennis1 View Post
                            I didn't start this thread, have re-read it several times...strikes so close to home....last night,received a phone call from a neighbor
                            lady asking me to come by...Knew something was up...her husband, a man I have respected, watched, listened to, ask of,
                            taken advice from, partied had fun and worked with...he has been having issues for some time...some was actually instigated
                            by some medications, but now it is for real...he was asleep, she woke him to get him to take some medications, he was upset,
                            didn't want the medications, tasted bad, was totally p-oed. When I got there, he didn't recognize me, was finally able to get
                            him to talk about other things, had to do a lot of jumping around mentally/topics...he would lose "thought" and be stuck in neutral,
                            so start another topic...have had this in the past myself anyway, had him talked down from p oed to about normal, he
                            got ready for bed and I'm home...short night, but realize that there will have to be some changes made for him in the immediate
                            future.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Mary5 View Post
                              Dennis, somebody needs to help this woman get a durable medical and financial power of attorney right away. Make sure they have a will. She will need some support. If he fights her, get an attorney and get her conservatorship. You will see if this is dementia it can be switched on and off like a light switch, depending on who is around. Thank you for helping this lady out!He needs to be diagnosed by a doctor, but most doctors do not like to talk about it.
                              Mary5, good to see you back.

                              The neighbor has been diagnosed, has been on treatments for over a year, the last 6 months has been the fastest decline, after
                              I got home the other evening, one of their daughters called me ...the daughter is a Dr. of human medicine...full ride scholarship
                              through KU AND Med school...she and her husband, also a Dr. have spent most of their professional years in the Washington DC
                              area...she on the FDA studying , developing, working on many of the new drugs for humans...I better not go into further details
                              for her own professional safety...I doubt she has let any out of school details out to me, but just the same...they are all very
                              smart people with books, and some with common sense...the daughter will be getting in tonight to "visit" her folks, and the daughter's son will be doing intern locally, so now will be staying with the in house patient as a helper for 6 weeks....IF they
                              don't have the 8-ball thrown at them during the visit...hope it works, but not holding my breath.

                              We have been told by the wife that when he knew he had the problem, did what legal proceedings he could to make sure
                              he wouldn't be able to screw up the family farm business etc. NOT at liberty to say exactly what.

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