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Terrible Jokes

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  • but will probably get fined for NOT having life jacket on


    • where was the news media when missing this headline?

      "Next," the conference emcee announced, "we have the chief of the Minnesota State Patrol, Roger Ledding, who is here with his lovely wife, Beverly."

      The chief took his place at the lectern. "I'm a little nervous," he began, "getting up before this distinguished audience and speaking today. But not nearly as nervous as I will be tonight when I must go home with my wife, Audrey, and explain Beverly to her!"


      • Good Dennis!


        • A man was telling his buddy "You won't believe what happened last night.

          My daughter walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. Don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose."

          "Wow," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

          "Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said, 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend -- Mohammed. We're going to work together on Warren's election campaign!'


          • Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
            A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

            Q: What is the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?
            A: A Genealogist looks up your family tree, whereas a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.

            Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
            A: Beat it. We’re closed.

            Q: What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
            A: One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

            Q: What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
            A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.

            Q: What do you call two *******s in a closet?
            A: A liquor cabinet

            Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
            A: Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me!

            Q: What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?
            A: The hockey player takes a shower after three periods.

            Q: What's the difference between a walrus and a *******?
            A: One smells like fish and has a moustache, and the other is a walrus.


            • The first french fries weren' t made in France

              They were fried in Greece


              • I am at a loss,,,


                • That happens when you farm! LOL


                  • This morning I think I got the crap kicked out of me by a Busty woman . We got on the elevator and I was staring at her B oobs when she said " would you press one " ?
                    So I did ,, and I don't remember much after that .


                    • President Trump is walking out of the White House , Heading towards his Limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun . The Secret Service agent , new on the job , shouts " MICKEY MOUSE " . This startles the would be assassin and he is captured .
                      Later , the Secret Service agents supervisor takes him aside and asks " What the H3ll made you shout , MICKEY MOUSE " ?
                      Blushing , the Agent replies , " I got nervous . I meant to shout ..............
                      DONALD DUCK !


                      • On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple

                        were involved in a fatal car accident. Being good Catholics, the

                        young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting

                        for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

                        While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?

                        When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St Peter said "I don't

                        know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out"

                        and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.

                        After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat

                        bedraggled. "Yes" he informs the couple " I can get you married in


                        "Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things

                        don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?

                        "You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with

                        frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.

                        "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple".

                        "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a

                        priest up here.....o you have any idea how long it'll take me to

                        find a lawyer?"


                        • Dan, was it your wife that beat you up or the busty woman?


                          • LMAO Dave . I've been instructed by a higher authority that mum is the word , or else . Now ,,, you be the judge .


                            • Comment

                              • Sherlock: Is that mud on your shoe?
                                Watson: No sh it, Sherlock!