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Terrible Jokes

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  • - Hello! Gordon's pizza?
    - No sir this is Google's pizza.
    - Sorry, I must have dialed a wrong number?
    - No sir, Google bought out
    Gordon's Pizza a short while ago.
    - OK. Take my order please.
    - OK sir, would you like your usual?"
    - The usual? You know me?
    - According to our caller-ID database,
    your last 12 orders were for pizza with
    cheese and sausage toppings,
    thick crust and crisp.
    - OK! That's it...
    - May I suggest this time you add ricotta,
    arugula with dry tomato toppings?
    - What? I hate vegetables.
    - Your cholesterol is not good, sir."
    - How do you know that?
    - We cross-matched your phone number
    with your name and your online medical portal.
    We have the result of your blood tests
    for the past 7 years.
    - Okay, but I do not want those toppings,
    I already take medicine ...
    - Excuse me, but you have not taken
    your medicine regularly.
    We can see from our database,
    4 months ago, you only purchased
    a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at CVS.
    - I bought more from another pharmacy.
    - Such a transaction is not showing
    in your credit card account.
    - I paid in cash.
    - But you did not withdraw that much cash
    according to your recent bank statement.
    - I have another source of cash.
    - That is not showing as per your latest
    tax return unless you obtained it from
    an undeclared income source.
    WHAT THE.....
    - "I'm sorry, sir, we use such information
    only with the intention of helping you.
    - Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook,
    Twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island
    without internet, cable TV, where there is
    no cell phone service and no one to spy on me.
    - "I understand sir but you'll need to renew
    your passport first as it expired 6 weeks ago!

    Comment


    • A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender if he could show him something he had never seen before would he give him a free drink.
      The bartender told him he has seen nearly everything but he would give it a shot.
      The man goes out to his car and gets a box,opens it up and sets a tiny grand piano on the bar.He then carries out a little guy about a foot tall and sets him on the piano bench.

      He starts playing and produces some of the best music the bartender has ever heard.After several songs the bartender tells the man he can drink all night.He asks the man how he aquired such a unique setup.

      He said he was cleaning out the attic and found a bottle.He wiped it off to see what is was when a genie popped out.He was granted one wish .
      Well,the genie must have been hard of hearing because I now have a 12 inch pianist

      Comment


      • corn cobs and nubbins are going to come back around in the terrible jokes!

        Comment


        • Foundation for WHOSE DA BOSS!

          Bruce finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.


          One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun.


          His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.


          After a long period of silence she finally spoke,


          “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop.


          You probably should just consider selling all your tools, along with your guns and fishing gear and that stupid vintage Harley.”


          Bruce got a horrified look on his face and began choking.


          She said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”


          He replied, “There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”


          “Ex-wife?” she screamed, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”


          Bruce replied: “I wasn’t.”

          Comment


          • Italian wedding



            My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, so we decided to get married.
            There was only one little thing bothering me.

            It was her beautiful younger sister, Lucia.
            My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.
            She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
            I always got more than a nice view.
            It had to be deliberate.
            She never did it around anyone else.
            One day she called me and asked me to come over.
            'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.
            She was alone when I arrived. she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome any longer.
            She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
            She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
            Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.
            "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.
            "If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".
            I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
            I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
            Lord And behold, her entire future family was standing outside and they were all clapping!
            With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me.
            He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
            Welcome to the family my son..'

            And the moral of this story is:
            Always keep your condoms in your car.

            Comment


            • Dan and JDG for once got a motel room for the night instead of sleeping in the truck.They got into a big argument about something and things got out of hand.

              Dan called the front desk and told them to send up a maintenance person ASAP.
              The front desk person asked why and Dan said he and his wife got into a big argument and they need help.She is going to jump out of the window.

              The front desk person said Thats not maintenance but personal.

              No said Dan,It's maintenance.She can't get the window open,,,,
              Last edited by natty; 07-20-2017, 09:18 PM.

              Comment


              • Sex advice for beginners



                A woman went to the doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.


                "Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked.



                "Actually, yes I do," She answered.



                "Does it hurt you?" he asked.



                "No, I rather like it," she responded.



                "Well, then," the doctor continued, "There’s no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.


                The woman was mystified. “What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?”


                "Of course," the doctor replied. "Where do you think people like Chuck Schumer, Nancy Pelosi, Elizabeth Warren, Barbara Boxster, Hillary Clinton, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, and Al Sharpton came from?"

                Comment


                • Originally posted by natty View Post
                  Dan and JDG for once got a motel room for the night instead of sleeping in the truck.They got into a big argument about something and things got out of hand.

                  Dan called the front desk and told them to send up a maintenance person ASAP.
                  The front desk person asked why and Dan said he and his wife got into a big argument and they need help.She is going to jump out of the window.

                  The front desk person said Thats not maintenance but personal.

                  No said Dan,It's maintenance.She can't get the window open,,,,
                  FUNNY Natty!!!!! lol

                  Comment


                  • I like that one to Natty lol

                    Comment


                    • My Mom even laughed!

                      Comment


                      • hat do you call a cow with a twitch?

                        Beef Jerky

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by ECI View Post
                          I like that one to Natty lol
                          I posted that on 7-20.

                          Today is 7-28.

                          Quit taking week long naps everyone.

                          Comment


                          • A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

                            About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raised their hands.
                            "That's really good I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

                            Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

                            The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
                            The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

                            Hamad replied, "Chit, from way back there I thought you said Goats!"

                            Comment


                            • A guy walks into a bar and sits next to a pretty lady.

                              They hit it off and have a few drinks.Things are going well and the man asks her name.

                              She said her name was Carmen.He asked if that was a family name and she said no, I like cars and men so I changed my name to Carmen.

                              She asked what his name was,,,,

                              He said B J Beernb o o b s

                              Comment


                              • Well,,,, let's try for a groan again.

                                2 old timers met in the city park.

                                One had just finished jogging 5 miles and was telling the other how good he felt . He even said his sex life was on fire.

                                The other asked what his secret was and the fellow said he started eating Rye bread.

                                So the other guy goes down to the deli and orders 5 loaves of Rye bread.

                                The lady at the counter says okay,but by the time you finish the first 2 it will be starting to get hard.

                                Thats what I hear he said.
                                Last edited by natty; 08-08-2017, 08:08 PM.

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