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Terrible Jokes

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  • #46
    Sliding Down The Ban..

    Little Johnny and Suzy have nothing to do one day while in the house playing. All of a sudden, Johnny gets this great idea. "Let's take turns sliding down the banister rail!" he suggests.

    "Oh no," answers Suzy, "That is way too scary."

    "No, it is not," says Johnny, "it will be fun!" He proceeds to the top of the stairs. The banister rail is long and very smooth with a beautiful big marble ball at its base. Johnny climbs on and down he goes, squealing with excitement as he goes. He jumps off just before he gets to the marble ball at the bottom. "That was great," he says. "Come on, you try now."

    Suzy still is not quite sure that this is such a good idea. "No," she says, "It looks too scary."

    "No, it is not," said Johnny, and away he goes again to the top of the stairs. He climbs on and down he goes again, having just as much fun as he did the first time. He jumps off just before the marble ball at the bottom. "You gotta try this, it is the best!" urges Johnny.

    Well, little Suzy is not one to stay scared for very long and this really does look like fun, so she agrees. To the top of the stairs she goes. She straddles the banister rail, and slowly lets go with her hands.

    Down she goes, a lot faster than she expected. WHAM! Right into the marble ball at the bottom.

    Little Suzy starts to cry and almost falls off the banister rail.

    When Johnny sees her so upset, crying ever harder and holding her groin where she collided with the marble ball, he gets a little scared that maybe she has really hurt herself.

    "Maybe you had better let me see," suggests Little Johnny.

    So Suzy lifts her little dress and pulls down her panties.

    Little Johnny's face goes pale white. "OH, NO!" he shouts. "This is horrible! You knocked it right off!"


    • #47
      Miss Piggy was trying to get her GDE, One of the questions in the exam was to count to 100.

      Poor Miss Piggy just could not count to 100, no matter how many times she tried.

      Every time she got to 69, she got a frog caught in her throat


      • #48
        Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

        A. Frostbite.

        Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom?

        A. At the BP station!
        Last edited by johndeere-girl; 09-07-2014, 08:21 AM.


        • #49
          girl - that was sad - just sad - lol


          • #50
            A husband exclaims to his wife one day "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!"

            Later that night, the husband makes some advances toward his wife who completely brushes him off.

            "What's wrong?" he asks.

            She answers, "Do you think I'm going to fire up this big azsed- grill for one little weenie?"

            I was going to imply that I had received this as an e-mail from one of the cob contestants, but that would be mean,
            so no, actually from the county commissioner from across the river.


            • #51
              At the local hospital a few weeks ago a baby boy was born without any eyelids.

              The doctors were stumped as they had never seen anything like this and could find no medical history of this ever happening.

              They contacted an expert doctor from the big city and he came out to see what could be done.

              He told the parents not to worry ,everything would be fine.

              After surgery was completed he called in the parents.

              "Since your son had not yet been circumcised we were able to transplant the foreskin to his eyes and now he has eyelids.The only problem I can see is he could be a little bit kockeyed."


              • #52
                An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

                The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

                I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

                "So what do you think about that Doc ?"

                The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

                "I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."

                One day he was setting off to go hunting.

                In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

                "As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..

                He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

                Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

                "Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

                Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

                The 86-year-old said ,
                "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

                The doctor replied , "My point exactly."


                • #53
                  This years undented tipping over corn crap


                  • #54
                    Two cannibals are eating a clown,

                    One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"


                    • #55
                      A Jewish man is sitting in a bar when a Chinese man comes in and sits next to him.He orders a beer and while drinking it the the Jewish man can't control himself and punches the guy .

                      Picking himself up the Chinese man said "what was that for ?"

                      "Pear Harbor"

                      "But that was the Japanese!"

                      "Chinese,Japanese,,You all the same."

                      The Jewish man ordered a beer and while taking a drink the Chinese man can't control himself and punches the guy.

                      Picking himself up the Jewish guy says "what was that for?"

                      " Sinking the Titanic."

                      " But an iceberg did that ."

                      "Iceberg,Goldberg,You all the same."


                      • #56
                        Spanish Delicacy

                        An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?” The waiter replied, ”Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”
                        The American, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the hell, I’m on vacation! Bring me an order!”
                        The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!”
                        The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”
                        The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins.”


                        • #57
                          THIS SHOULD OFFEND AT LEAST TWO GROUPS:

                          At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown Detroit sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

                          After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big black man.

                          Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

                          At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the crap out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.

                          Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. "What did he say to you?"

                          "I don't know," the black man replied.

                          "Something about a job."


                          • #58
                            You see the signs in restrooms. Employees wash your hands before returning to work. Man, I waited over an hour and not one of them came and washed my hands.


                            • #59
                              You're An EXTREME Redneck When...

                              1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
                              2 The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
                              3 You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
                              4 You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
                              5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
                              6 Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
                              7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
                              8 Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
                              9 Your junior prom offered day care.
                              10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'
                              11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
                              12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
                              13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
                              14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
                              15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
                              16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
                              17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
                              And in closing....

                              Two good ol' boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.
                              After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
                              The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"

                              NOW Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD DAY


                              If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

                              Sorry Duke, I know there has to be one out there about Corn Flakes, but not finding it...yet


                              • #60
                                Here You go Duke......

                                Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?

                                The police thought it was a cereal killer.