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  • Natty I tried to descreetly suggest that you weren't getty any



    • I have been stocking up on that since the new year.

      I want to get fully charged because I normally give that up for Lent.


      • So Mrs natty knows from experience?


        • Please don't drink while watching this.



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            • That pig also does great Nancy Pelosie impersonations.


              • The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.
                The Midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.
                The Doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
                The midget dropped his pants.
                The doctor stood him up on to the examining table, and started to examine him.
                The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the Midget to turn his
                head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.'Aha!' mumbled the doc,
                and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough
                again. 'Aha!' said the Doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.
                Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
                The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that
                the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the
                examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely
                delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.
                The doctor said, 'How does that feel now?'
                The midget replied, 'Perfect, Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?
                'The doctor replied, 'I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.



                • --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                  Today my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those payments!

                  So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face."

                  So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma. I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face.

                  Baby girl is back, walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"

                  She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy"

                  ...and to watch the 'spression on yo face.


                  • Mayday

                    An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft.

                    A moment later the tower land-line rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled “Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"

                    The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down,we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!". He began his series of questions.

                    Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"

                    Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me".

                    Tower: "Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are traveling at 180 mph??"*

                    Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me".

                    Tower: “Okay, that is good; how do you know you're flying upside down?"

                    Aircraft: "Because the s h I t in my pants is leaking out of my collar."


                    • HOLY PROSTITUTES

                      A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye... It reads:

                      10 MILES

                      He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.

                      Soon he sees another sign which reads:

                      5 MILES

                      Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real
                      and drives past a third sign saying:

                      NEXT RIGHT

                      His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

                      On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

                      SISTERS OF ST.. FRANCIS

                      He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,

                      'What may we do for you! my son?'

                      He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

                      'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

                      The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,

                      'Please knock on this door.'

                      He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.

                      This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

                      He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

                      The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

                      GO IN PEACE.

                      YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY

                      THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS



                      • I once heard that the Sisters
                        of Saint Francis did business in NW Iowa.

                        I remember from back in the old days


                        • I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

                          She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave, and got your hair cut,you'd look all right."

                          I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your hot friends over there."


                          I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

                          I said to her, "Good legs."

                          The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

                          I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. "


                          I told a blond girl, in the bar, about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her ****.

                          "Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

                          After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

                          "Come on, what day was I born"?

                          I said, “Yesterday."

                          I got caught taking a piss in the local swimming pool today.

                          The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.



                          • A wealthy man went to a dating website to find a companion.He posted an ad and after a few days had 3 prospects reply .

                            He decided to give each of them $5000.00 and see what they did with it .Then he would make his choice.

                            The first came to the meeting with him and told him she went to a spa and spent the whole amount making over herself and buying an outfit to be as beautiful as she could for him.

                            The second one came to their meeting and presented him with a gift of clothes,liquor,hunting supplies,and sports related items.

                            The third one showed up at the meeting and presented him a check for $50,000.00.She told him she invested in a hot stock tip and nailed it,cashed out ,and here's the money.

                            Sooo,which one did he pick ???

                            The one with the biggest b o o b s of course !
                            Last edited by natty; 01-29-2015, 11:15 PM.


                            • Thoughts from an Asian Doctor

                              Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
                              A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

                              Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
                              A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

                              Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
                              A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

                              Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
                              A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

                              Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
                              A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

                              Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
                              A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

                              Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
                              A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

                              Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
                              A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

                              Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
                              A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

                              Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

                              And remember:

                              Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"


                              For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

                              1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

                              2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

                              3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

                              4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

                              5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

                              CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you


                              • Good advice there Natty I guess that makes those lemon filled donuts I had for lunch a good choice!