+ Reply to Thread
Page 81 of 81 FirstFirst ... 31 71 79 80 81
Results 801 to 806 of 806

Thread: Terrible Jokes

  1. #801
    Senior Member jabber1 is on a distinguished road
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Posts
    7,782
    Quote Originally Posted by dennis1 View Post
    Johnny



    Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"



    Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."



    Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."



    Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"



    Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."



    Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."



    Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"



    Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."



    Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."



    When the teacher turns her back Johnny says in frustration, "I wish these dumb b I t c h e s would keep their fu c k ing mouths shut!"



    The teacher turns around and she is livid: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"



    Johnny: "Harvey Weinstein. Can I go now, Miss?"
    Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnndddddddddddddddddddddddd Harvey ain't the only one. This issue touches heavyweights in entertainment, corporate America, religion, big bidness, politicians from all political persuasions, and that is just the stuff that makes the news. BTW- it is not just women who have come forward long after the alleged harassment or assault happened.

    No- I am not saying that all accused abusers are rightfully and accurately accused. I just am saying that socio/economic, political, or religious power should not shield them from the law that others have to deal with. In fact due to their position of power/leadership, if anything,more is expected and ought to be demanded!!!!!!! Current rules for those in government are in need of review and change.

    It is time to further ensure that the signer's of the Declaration of Independence' goal that "all men (and women) are created equal" is ingrained within our legal and justice system.
    That lady justice with the blindfold and the balance scale is not as blind to gender and socio economic power and race and religion as she ought to be.
    WE WOULD BE WISE TO START AT THE TOP.
    YUP, DRAIN THE "SWAMP"!!!!!!!!!!
    THIS REAL "SWAMP" CROSSES THE LINES OF GENERATIONS, POLITICAL PARTIES, RACE, RELIGION, AND SOCIO ECONOMIC POWER.
    Last edited by jabber1; 11-19-2017 at 02:26 PM.
    "I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts." — Abraham Lincoln

  2. #802
    Senior Member natty is on a distinguished road natty's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Audrain Co.Mo.
    Posts
    2,786
    I knew you would come around.




    LOL

  3. #803
    Senior Member natty is on a distinguished road natty's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Audrain Co.Mo.
    Posts
    2,786
    Jennifer, a manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.


    The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

    The first man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning."

    "That's very good!" replied Jennifer. "And, now you sir," she asked the second man.

    "Hmmm... let me see... A BLINK! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

    “Excellent!" said Jennifer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

    "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

    Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man "It's hard to beat the speed of light," she said.

    Turning to Ernest, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

    Old Ernest replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

    "WHAT?" said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

    "Oh sure," said Ernest. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already chit my pants."

    Ernest is the new greeter at the Walmart near you!


    You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on

  4. #804
    Senior Member dennis1 is on a distinguished road
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Posts
    12,931
    BoardMeeting





    All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another,
    until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.
    All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another,
    until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.





    Finally it was his turn to be summoned.

    Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.

    Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.

    The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked:

    "Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Floyd?"
    "Oh, no, sir, positively not...!" Ted replied.

    "Are you absolutely sure...?" asked the chairman.
    "Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her...!"

    "You'd swear to that...?"
    "Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Floyd, anytime, anywhere…" insisted Ted.




    "Good. Then YOU fire her."

  5. #805
    Senior Member natty is on a distinguished road natty's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Audrain Co.Mo.
    Posts
    2,786
    Donald Trump and Obama ended up in the same barber shop.

    Each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

    The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

    As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.

    Obama was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been inside a *****house all day."

    The second barber turned to Trump and said, "How about you sir?

    Trump replied, "Go ahead--my wife doesn't know what the inside of a *****house smells like."

  6. #806
    Senior Member dennis1 is on a distinguished road
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Posts
    12,931
    The 'proper' way to call someone a b a s t a r d


    A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

    The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes.

    The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

    The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

    The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

    The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

    The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

    The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

    The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And if you bring your Mother and your Father along, I'll marry them.

+ Reply to Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Ultimate Farm Quest