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Thread: Terrible Jokes

  1. #831
    Senior Member natty's Avatar
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    The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question,

    'When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?

    Suzy raised her hand and said, - 'I think it's your hands.'

    'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

    Suzy replied, - 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.

    'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

    Little Johnny raised his hand and said - 'Sister, I think it's your feet.

    The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

    'Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

    Little Johnny said, - 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night.

    Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying,

    'Oh God, I'm coming'.

    I gotta tell you, if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.

    The Nun fainted ... !!!

  2. #832
    Senior Member natty's Avatar
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    The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

    The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

    “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

    The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”

    Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

    The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

    Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

    Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

    The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

    Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

    “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

    The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

    “Are you OK?” the auditor asks.

    “Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

    Don’t mess with old people!

  3. #833
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    Worst foursome in golf history ��


    1. Stormy daniels

    2. O. J. Simpson

    3. Ted kennedy

    4. Bill clinton

    why, you ask

    1. Stormy is a hooker

    2. O. J. Is a slicer

    3. Ted can't drive over water, and

    4. Bill can't remember which hole he played last

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