10. How do you make Alabama cookies? Put them in a big bowl and beat for three hours.
9. It's reported that Nick Saban will only dress 20 players for the LSU game. The rest will have to dress themselves.
8. What does the average Alabama student get on his SAT score? Drool.
7. What did the Alabama graduate say to the LSU graduate? Welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order please?
6. An Alabama fan walks into the doctor's office one day with a hat on. He takes off his hat, and the doctor sees that there is a big frog sitting right on top of his head. The doctor looks at the man and asks him why he has a frog sitting on his head. It was the frog who replied "Actually doc, I was the one who wanted to see you. Can you remove this wart off my butt?"
5. Why should the University of Alabama change it's team name to the opossums? Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
4. Where was O.J. really hiding at right before the famous Bronco chase? On the campus at Alabama. He figured they would never find a real football player there.
3. What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Alabama campus? a Visitor.
2. What should you do if you find three Alabama fans buried up to their necks in cement? Get more cement.
And......The number one Alabama joke of all time is:
1. What do a maggot and an Alabama fan have in common? They can both live off of a dead bear for 20 years.
A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a good Alabama joke.
The bartender says, "Before you tell it, you should know that I am 6-2 and weigh 225 and I'm from Alabama. See that guy at the end of the bar? He's 6-4 and weighs 250 and he's from Alabama, too. And see the guy at the other end of the bar? He's 6-6 and weighs 280 and he's from Alabama,too! Now, do you still want to tell your Alabama joke?"
The guy says, "Nah."
To which the bartender smiles and says, "What's the matter? Are ya chicken?"
The guy says, "Nah. I just don't want to have to explain it three times."
Things you will never hear an Alabama fan say:
I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
Nope, no more for me. I’m driving tonight.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
I’ve got it all on the C: drive.
Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Do you think my gut is too big?
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
I just couldn’t find a thing at Walmart today.
Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
Let’s go to the museum.
No, I insist you have the last piece.
Four wheelers are just too dangerous.
I think we should get to know each other better first.
I have reviewed your application.
I hope this wasn’t tested on animals.
How do you sink a submarine which is manned by Alabama fans?
Have a diver knock on the hatch.
The Tide were playing LSU. It was near the end of the game and LSU was ahead by 4. Someone threw a firecracker and the LSU thought it was the gun and ran off the field celebrating.
Three plays later the Tide scored and won!!
Some Tide were trying to scare the LSU football team before the game and threw firecrackers into the locker room windows.
The LSU players lit them and threw them back!
Did you hear about the Tennessee student that transferred to Alabama?
He raised the IQ of both schools!
A lucky Alabama fan won the Lottery. When he went to collect his money they told him he wouldn’t get it in one lump sum and that it would be spread over 20 years.
The Alabama fan erupted and said, “If that’s the case, then give me my dollar back!”
There was a group of Alabama science students that wanted to send a probe to the sun, but some LSU students said that was impossible and that the probe would burn up long before reaching the sun. The Tide replied that they planned to send the probe at night.
Why don’t Crimson Tide fans eat M&M’s?
They’re too hard to peel.
Did you hear about the Cessna airplane that crashed in a cemetery near the Alabama campus recently?
Alabama search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and are still digging.
What do Crimson Tide fans think Cheerios are?
I think that it is a shame the way you pick on the Tide. After all it was a Alabama engineer that invented the toilet seat.
…of course an LSU engineer stole the design and cut a hole in the middle.
What do you call 144 Tide?
Did you hear about the Alabama fan that broke his leg raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.
Why did the Alabama fan keep a coat hanger in his back seat?
In case he locks the keys in his car.
A Alabama fan ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”
Did you hear about the Alabama fan that got locked out of his car?
He spent two hours trying to get his wife and kids out.
How do you keep a Alabama fan busy?
Write ‘Please turn over’ on both sides of a piece of paper.
I bet you didn’t know that a Alabama fan invented the toothbrush.
Of course if anyone else had invented it, it would have been known as a teethbrush!
How do you recognize a Alabama fan in a department store?
He’s the one trying to slam the revolving door.
How do you know when a Alabama fan has sent you a fax?
When there’s a stamp on it.
Why do they throw out a sack of manure at all Alabama fan weddings?
To keep the flies off the bride.
Did you hear about the Alabama fan who was 2 hours late to class?
The escalator was stuck….
2 Tide were attending a friend’s funeral. While viewing the body one Tide fan says to the other, “Gee, he looks pretty good!”
The second Alabama fan replies, “He should, he just got out of the hospital yesterday.”
What about the Alabama fan whose wife gave birth to twins?
He wanted to know who the other man was…
Did you hear what happened to the Alabama fan when he found out that 90% of all car accidents occur within 5 miles of home?
How many Crimson Tide fans does it take to change a flat tire?
Just one . . . unless it’s a blowout, then they all show up!
Why did the Alabama fan get rid of his freezer?
He got tired of cutting the ice into little squares to fit into the trays.
Why can’t Alabama field an ice-hockey team?
Everyone drowns in spring training.
Why can’t Alabama fan farmers raise chickens?
They plant the eggs too deep.
What do you call a female Alabama fan who takes birth control pills?
Why are rectal thermometers banned in Alabama’s campus?
They cause too much brain damage.
Why did the Alabama team airliner crash?
It ran out of coal.
What do you call a female Alabama fan with 2 brain cells?
Did you hear about the Alabama fan who was asked by his professor what would happen if we didn’t have electricity?
He said we would probably be watching TV by candlelight.
How many Alabama programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
They can’t, it’s a hardware problem.
How do you get a Alabama graduate off your front porch?
You pay for the pizza.
How do you know when you are near Alabama’s campus?
When you honk your horn, all the sheep back up to the fence.
Did you hear that Detroit was going to start putting the dimmer switch back on the floor in its new cars?
The Tide kept getting their foot caught in the steering wheel.
Why do all the tree's in the world lean towards Alabama?
Because Alabama Sucks
Whats the only good thing to come out of Alabama?
Have you seen Alabama's new Welcome Signs?
"Now Leaving US of A. Welcome to Alabama!"
What do you call 23 John Deere tractors at a Dairy Queen?
Prom Night at Alabama.
Why didn't Jesus come from Alabama?
Ain't no wisemen, ain't no virgins.
What do you call a virgin in Alabama?
Faster than her brothers.
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Alabama State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Why does OJ Simpson want to move to Alabama?
Everyone there has the same DNA
Where was OJ headed in the white Bronco
To Tuscaloosa...he knew the police would never look for a Heisman Trophy winner there!
A man walks into a store says to the clerk, "I'd like a pair of red shoes, a white shirt, a pair of red pants, and a pair of white shoes." The clerk looks at him and shakes his head saying, "You must be an Alabama fan!" The man proclaims with pride, "How could you tell, was it the color scheme!" The clerk looks at him and says "No, this is a hardware store."
What is the most common line used by an Alabama alumni?
Would you like fries with that?
Why did they build the Mercedes plant so close to the University of Alabama?
Because they have an endless supply of crash test dummies right down the road.
What do you call a genius at Alabama?
Whats the difference between Alabama and cheerios?
One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn't!
It was recently announced that a franchise was building a new Taco Bell in Tuscaloosa. The University's response was "Why do we need another phone company?"
After Bear Bryant dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Bear a little two-bedroom house with a faded Alabama banner hanging from the front porch.
"This is your house, coach," God says happily."Most people don't get their own houses up here."
Bear looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge, beautiful two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. LSU flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge LSU banner hangs between the marble columns.
"Thanks for the house, God," Bear says. "But let me ask you a question. I get this little two-bedroom house with a faded banner and Miles gets a mansion with LSU banners and Tiger flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"
God looks at him seriously for a moment, then says, "Bear, that's not Les Miles' house. That's mine."